Where Have All The Squirrels Gone?

There are no animals in New York anymore. Just rats. No more squirrels. I don't think I've ever seen a chipmunk. There are pigeons here but not one cardinal or blue jay.

The rats have totally taken over. Walking home last night I was with two friends and we made the decision that with strength in numbers we could take on the dangers (read: rats) of Tompkins Square Park. We probably should have been on the lookout for a used needle or predator hiding in the bushes but instead our senses were sharply focused on the ground, grass and our exposed feet.

Rats darted all around us which lead to some very impressive "high knees" as if we were trying to get our fitness on.

The truth is clear, rats have become the new staple and frankly, the new "pet" of the Manhattan pedestrian.

There is another breed that is losing its meaning here in the city. Neighbors.

You may know your neighbor because you smell what they cook for dinner or hear them fighting late at night. But you likely don't legitimately know them or feel you can borrow that cup of sugar. Who you REALLY know is your local bum or housing-challenged Joe.

Bums are fascinating in New York. First, they are everywhere. Second, there are many degrees of bum. There are also fabeled tales about bums making so much money on the subway shuffling through the cars that they actually can afford to send their kids to college.

Three core types of bums however are most prominent on this island. And this is my attempt to type cast them.

THE DIGNIFIED BUM: A bum can either buy 40s of malt liquor or try to save his pennies for a rainy day. One way to acquire these pennies is to troll the subways with no shoes, a song and a cup. But another way is to dig deep into the recycling bins for cans. It's .05 a can in New York. A bum like this has work ethic and knows not to waste his time on the six train. It's really crowded on there)

THE INVISIBLE BUM: Even when you don't see him, you know he's there. The largest evidence is when you want to donate clothes to Good Will - but know that there is really no need to find your local drop off center. All you must do is put them on the street in front of your building because by the time you get upstairs and look out the window, the clothes will be gone. You might not see him, but he is there none the less. Looking quite like you actually, albeit from 3 years ago.

The GAP really did used to carry some cute things...

THE DEFECATING BUM: First, I'm sorry if the below tale of toxins is familiar to you. But, know you are not alone because my house has one too. We haven't seen him in a while, but trust me, that is okay as we have seen plenty. I've seen my bum (MB) number two on the sidewalk. Number one between the cars on the street. It's a very serious and smelly approach to marking one's territory. The dogs of the East Village have nothing on MB.

Once, I was walking past a local bar and saw MB with thighs of steel, channeling Suzanne Summers, ready to #2. My natural reaction was to yell GROSS! To which MB yelled "HOW ABOUT SOME PRIVACY?!!"

Shocked, I scurried away... stepping over a used tampon in the process. Who knows where that even came from. The trash, a window, or just someone's bag.

People say that New York City is dirty. And there is no denying that. You have rats for squirrels, bums for neighbors, territory marked by human feces and used lady products where a potted plant should be. But somehow - we end up looking past all that to live in "the greatest city in the world."

It is unbelievable how we've become immune to all of these things - but I've got to say - it makes getting out of the city and breathing fresh air while walking clean streets that much more exciting.

Although every once in a while - when I've been walking clean streets - I think of MB. I wonder what he is up to or more specifically what he is putting down.... and if he still feels that when it comes to his home, his neighborhood and his territory, X(crement) marks the spot.